I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
