is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
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If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
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I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize