just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize