Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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