I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
