she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
