I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
