and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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