Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
