I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
worst night to have a conscience
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
