Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
