oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
