My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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