my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
