you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
