her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
