The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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