I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
