Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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