Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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