Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
