dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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