I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
