I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
