you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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