Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
