Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
