He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
