A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
