so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Less talking, more tequila
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize