why didn't you poke me back
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
