i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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