there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
being pregnant is like rehab
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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