Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
