I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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