why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
