What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
