I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
