I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
