I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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