Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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