no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
