He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
