cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize