my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
