she kept yelling 'call me bella'
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
