I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
