U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
