Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
