remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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