hotel room ftw
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
