Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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