Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
