so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
