Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
