I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
